ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
