Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
