I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
