you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
