I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
