Just fell off a train. Bad.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
