I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
