So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
