I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
