I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
