Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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