I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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