not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
