??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
