Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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