my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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