I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
