i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
