I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
