You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
