Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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