i don't like sucking hair
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
