i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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