While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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