1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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