I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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