Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
