I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
