Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
