rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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