ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
