Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
