Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
