My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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