3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
