Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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