I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
