btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
