6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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