guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
