I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize