The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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