That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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