i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
