You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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