Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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