Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
