gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
