I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
