When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My dick has a subreddit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
