Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
