that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
