So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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